I think I’m falling apart and quickly. I am currently surviving hour by hour, which feels awful. I want to sleep and take pills all day and not do anything.
I was rejected by someone I liked and it’s because I’m fucking crazy.
I want to die.
A new, and somewhat troubling, symptom I’m having is a need and desire to retreat to uncomfortable small enclosures when triggered. I want to bring my tweezers, lighter, journal, and music into my closet, or the bathtub, or between the wall and my bed. I want to pull my legs up to my body as tight as I can and then I want to disappear. I’ve never experienced this desire before and it’s starting to worry me. While the action is not dangerous, it makes me feel psychotic. I feel like I’m quite close to being locked up because I refuse to speak and won’t stop rocking back and forth.
In her book, Loud in the House of Myself, Stacy Pershall describes how she would retreat to her closet as a child. She would purposely position herself on top of her shoes so that she was uncomfortable and “suffering”. She would then take out all of her negative emotions and the hurtful things school mates said and write them on her body with marker.
What about this brings comfort? Does it help or hurt? I’d be interested in finding out how many others experience the urge to hide and squeeze themselves into tight spaces. Why do they do it? What do they feel afterward?
Does this feeling have anything to do with regression? Am I flashing back to childhood emotion? Is it because I want to hide so I can inflict pain and punishment on myself, in peace?
“You wanna know why I burn myself? I do it to feel something, anything. Physical pain is far better than emotional numbness and stagnation. Guilt and self-loathing is far better than emptiness. Whenever I need that jolt back to reality, escape from my racing thoughts and overanalyzing, I just let go and feel.”
when someone invalidates your scars caused by self-harm, it can be quite invalidating to your emotions that you were feeling when you decided to self-harm.
note that i have “decided” boldfaced. self-harm is a decision just as much as being a smoker, drinking alcohol, or smoking weed is a decision. you’ve decided to participate in these outlets for your negative emotions. yes, i realize they ultimately become addictions. addictions are very hard to kick. they are not impossible though.
i’m sure many of you realize this but i thought i would clarify for those who don’t know: when you cut/burn/pick/etc., you release a chemical in your brain called endorphins, or endogenous opioids. These endorphins act as your body’s natural pain killer and give you that “high” you become so addicted to.
My therapist has put me on some amino acids called 5htp and DL-Phenylalanine to help curb my cravings for pain pills and the endorphins released when I burn. I think they’re starting to work. I’ve been on them for about a week now.
If you need help quitting, please seek professional help. Tell them the truth when you visit, tell them why it is you SI and when; be completely open with them. I want all of you to start a revolution with me: the “I don’t need to harm my body anymore because of anyone else” revolution.
I ended up burning and scratching a small bit last night. It felt sooooo good too.
I hate that it feels good to do it. It makes it that much harder to stop yourself when you need to. I feel better this morning though. I’m trying to act like it didn’t happen and move on. Start counting my days again and not beat myself up. I guess it’s obvious that giving my letter opener to my therapist didn’t stop me. I will be sharing all of this with her on Monday, of course.
2 month streak is broken, start again.