Thoughts that betray

When you have thoughts in your head that you know, logically, are wrong, but you still think them and believe them to be true, just a little bit. Just enough to where they hurt. Enough that they depress you and make you hate yourself. These thoughts seem to come like a tsunami.

You’re fat ugly boring mean stupid useless mean lazy

Why is he marrying you? You should just disappear. Why are you even bothering? Stay in bed. Don’t shower. You’ll never look like that so don’t bother. You’ll always be horrible.

It doesn’t matter how many people tell you the opposite, sometimes your brain gangs up on you and won’t stop. When those people that are most important in your life don’t bother to positively boost you and build you up, it doesn’t help you defeat these thoughts at all. You sometimes can’t do it alone and that’s okay. Life isn’t meant to be tackled alone. We’re social beings.

Lately my brain cannot/will not slow down. Every silent moment is filled with racing negative, self defeating thoughts. I cry every night and trying to complete the simplest of tasks is becoming impossible.

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Negative racing thoughts have a lot of power. We shouldn’t just shrug them off and treat them like some minor nuisance. They have a major impact on our emotional well being and acting like they’re something we can just turn off is ignorant and dangerous. Learning how to change our coping when we have negative thoughts is more effective, in my opinion, than just telling someone to change their thoughts. If we learn to effectively cope with our thoughts then we are more likely to be able to learn how to challenge negative thoughts in the future.

I cannot pretend that I know how to handle oppressive, self defeating, negative thoughts. I have them everyday, sometimes all day. Lately, I have been dealing with them on a regular basis and I don’t know how to handle it. I cry a lot. I try to journal and let it out. I sleep. I just keep going. I know that I’ve been through a lot worse and I can get through this too.

Journal entry 4/18/11

I am ugly. I am fat. I should just kill myself and spare everyone the burden of taking care of me. I’m inept. I’m a waste. Who wants me? No one. I should rot in bed. I’ll never finish school. I will always fail. I find flaws everywhere I look on my body. I hate myself. Everything anyone said ever said about me that was bad, is true. When I’m gone, no one will care. I want to slice my arm open. I hate life.

I don’t know how it feels to want to be alive.

I don’t know what it feels like to not have death as an option. Even when I’m considered stable, like I am now, I still think of it often. I haven’t burned myself in so long, my scars have faded and yet, I still think of suicide as a “get out of shitty life” free card. I stare at the giant 15o count bottle of pills and wonder if I’d make it though without throwing up first or passing out. Of course I’d have to eat all of my Vyvanse and Klonopin too. Lamictal won’t cut the mustard. Why is this still an obsession for me? Once it was there, in my brain, it’s like it planted it’s seed to stay. I keep hacking away at the soil around it but, nothing. Will I always struggle with suicidality? What an exhausting existence.

Journal entry February 13, 2008

My head feels tired but I’m unable to sleep. I researched some new info about BPD tonight. I’m pretty sure Trish was right. If it’s definitely not just depression/anxiety I have (alone) then my next guess would have to be BPD. I pretty much fit all of the symptoms described. I’m very interested in pursuing this specific line of treatment I saw. I really miss my sessions with Trish. I hope I get $ for my birthday so I can pay her and Dr. Kisnad.  I’m going to possibly apply for Medicaid. I have no insurance and I really need to see a Dr. I’ve been trying for some insight into my mental status and my emotions. I mean I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person, felt sorry for myself, liked when others pitied me, etc.  I’m wondering how much of this is just who I am or how much is something I learned or part of some mental illness. It’s probably all 3. I’ve been in this weird “analyze everything, processing my surroundings, ponder my future” type mood. I can’t make a decision what to do with my life. There are so many things I feel strongly about in my life: photography, activism, other cultures, music, etc. I don’t know where to start. I feel like I can’t depend on my mom to help me because she’s always so busy and anytime I mention anything about it I know I’m gonna get the “vocational school” lecture.  I don’t want to go to a vocational school unless I have absolutely no choice.  I thought I wanted to be a therapist but now that I know how much schooling that requires, I pretty much changed my mind. Does that mean something about me? I know I’m lazy but….. is it common for students to decide against a career because of the length of schooling? I’m getting tired now that I have less than 3 hours to sleep. I do hope this job is legit and I can do it properly. If not I might lose it. I’ve got no food, no gas, and no money.

Journal Entry May 8, 2008

I’ve noticed that I like the way my two trapper keepers look stacked on top of each other. I also like when I am holding one out in public because it looks like I am a student. To others it might look like I have my shit together and I’m normal. Just a normal college student. Nothing wrong whatsoever. The neighbors look at me leaving in the afternoon with a folder and think “She’s off to class”. Yay for me and my lies.

Journal entry (date unknown 2007)

I’ve been staying up until at least 5 or 6 in the morning everyday.  Even when I have to go to work. I try to clear my head of all the shit that’s stressing me out and I can’t. I desperately need to see Trish. I called last Friday and I got no call back.  Of course the first thing I think of is that she doesn’t want to see me anymore. Then I start brainstorming like I always do and start thinking that 1. She never got the message somehow. or 2. She forgot. or 3. She was told not to by my mom. Either way I’m hurt.

I haven’t eaten a proper meal today. I got up around 5:30pm. I have eaten chips and Oreos all day. I’m not happy at my current weight. I have no money for food.  I don’t get paid until Friday. It’s 5:30am. I have to catch the stupid bus at 9:58am to be to work by 11am. How much fucking sense does that make?

I want my own place so much. I don’t need anything fancy. Just me and the cat. She desperately needs more room and so do I.  I want to be able to pay my bills and live on my own.  Why am I destined to fuck up? Why am I constantly paying for past fuck ups over and over? Okay already! I get it! I’ve screwed up! I think about it all the time. Can I please be happy for a little while? I haven’t done anything so bad. Have I?

I’m deeply saddened that my brother doesn’t seem to give a shit about me. We used to be so close.

Journal entry 10/6/2007

Well here’s an update I guess. It’s been months since I’ve written. I not live at my Aunt’s. I’m not happy about it at all. The house was supposed to be cleaned before I moved in and it wasn’t. It smells awful. I finally got my room in a decent state. My bathroom was awful. I had to clean it so I wouldn’t have to keep going upstairs to her disgusting bathroom. I’m constantly cleaning not only my dishes but hers too. I’m always picking up shit in the kitchen and wiping stuff down. I don’t mind helping to keep the house clean. I kept the other place clean mostly on my own. Brandy never did shit. She’s not doing shit now. In fact, she has yet to stay one night here. She dropped off her shit and has been gone since.

I have gone months without a goddamn job, money, decent food, anything new for myself, etc. I have been told I would be thrown out on the street. My dad says he has no room, my mom won’t take me, and to my surprises my grandparents used the excuse that they’d be out of town too much for me to live there.

I lost Mo.  That makes me feel like shit. I really could use her right now too. I’ve started seeing Rebekah and Selena more. That, of course, would be a good thing except I cannot stand Amanda and Rebekah is not someone I would say thinks of me as a close friend. She doesn’t do anything for me. I’ve been without a car for almost a week now and all I’ve asked is for some help from my few friends in getting to and from work. I purposely wait for them to volunteer their help or if they can’t at least say that they wish they could. I get nothing. I don’t understand why because I’m always the first to ask if I can help and I do so.