I knew back in July. Well almost….
If you look back, you’ll see a short post about my 3 year mark with my therapist. I mentioned then how I was nervous that she might be leaving soon and how I wasn’t going to have anywhere to go, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I guess I should trust my gut instincts because they seem to be fairly accurate. I had my last session with her this past Monday. The reasoning behind us having to end our professional relationship was in no way her fault. The women’s center she works at (she is now paid and is no longer only getting accreditation hours) essentially survives on grants from the government and is really only meant to give short term counseling (15-20 sessions). I have been going for 3 1/2 years. I knew it was coming, I just wasn’t sure when. I knew she was either going to leave and start work elsewhere or this was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to be so soon. I also thought we’d have some more time to work on some pertinent issues.
I have not had sex since before the childhood survivors of sexual assault group back in March? and I miss it, but not really, but kind of sort of…. okay it’s a touchy subject. I have no libido but I keep having sexual dreams. Medications don’t help, of course. The mere thought terrifies me but the thought that my fiance is missing out and unhappy makes me unhappy. We REALLY need to work on this but I cannot afford to see anyone right now. I found someone I’d like to start seeing but it’s too expensive and there’s the whole “getting to know you” stage. Anyways, it’s not pleasant right now and I’m stressed about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No support.
Then, there’s the issue of this wedding, school, and general unhappiness in my life. This feeling of doom lingering. I feel like I won’t have anything to look forward to after the wedding in March and I’ll be stuck in the house, bored to tears, depressed, no therapist. My dad is being very cool about paying for the wedding, which is really awesome and he’s being very, different, when we talk on the phone. I don’t know how to explain it. He’s more involved? More receptive? We’re going over there on Christmas day instead of my mom’s because I feel I owe it to him. I don’t know how to handle this new way he’s acting. Do I act more involved in his life now? Do I do anything different? I feel so out of place.
I am also having issues with people who I thought were my friends and they’ve shown they really weren’t. I have a tendency to invest myself emotionally into people prior to them actually proving whether they deserve it or whether they plan on reciprocating it. This usually ends in me getting hurt. No surprise this time… I thought I was closer with someone than I was and it bit me in the ass. I thought this person cared for me. I thought this person gave a shit. Silly me. Oh well. Move on and try to learn from the experience I guess.
I truly do need someone in my life right now to speak to and I don’t have that outlet. I miss my therapist so much. She was so much more than someone I paid to give me advice. She was a friend, a confidant, and a big part of my life. I feel I’m missing my safety net right now and I’m kind of lost.
I’m 28. My hormones, although I take birth control everyday, are raging like crazy. My uterus is screaming for a baby. My heart, my soul, and my intuition are saying it’s time to be a mother, but my brain (and bank account)say otherwise. I need to concentrate on school, my emotional well being, and my future. I feel incomplete. I want to nurture, love, and take care of someone else that will do the same for me. I feel like my time is running out.
Validation exists just outside the reach of my fingertips and yet, ah!
Overwhelming agitation at everyone and most of all myself.
This leads me to punish and beat myself up every night. This is a never-ending cycle, as of late, and I can’t seem to break free. The more friends and colleagues I make, both online and in real life, the harder it becomes to cope.
My social skills seem okay from the outside but really, truly, I am one sick pup.
Validation, please. Por favor! Anyone? I’m truly sick of being ignored. I feel like I’m screaming from the rooftops of my skull but everyone is deaf, even my therapist.
What the fuck, man?
I’m so confused and hurt and….and…emotional right now. I haven’t felt like this in so long. I’m a walking contradiction and it’s so very uncomfortable. I feel relief and despair at the same time. I feel yearning and yet I know it will never be.
Tomorrow is the big day. I have to be the adult. I have to be the strong one, as usual. Why are the fragile ones always the ones who have to be the strongest? Why are we always the ones who have to come forth and be the bigger person?
Where to from here? I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.
Also, can I just say this again, for the millionth time, “I love my therapist”.
Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. It’s so powerful, it aches. I think it’s because I have so much love to offer but haven’t found anyone to give it to that’s willing to take it. It’s just filling up and has nowhere to go.
Is the person that will help relieve this uncomfortable feeling already a part of my life? Is it someone I will meet in my future? Is it a man? A woman? A child? I want to know right this second that this isn’t wasted. I feel like if I don’t use this up, it will shrivel up and fade away.
My mother and father have helped to make me an emotional cripple. They have made it so that I am afraid to become emotionally dependent on anyone and I’m confused as to what to do most of the time. I either become intensely obsessed and unable to separate myself from those who obviously don’t reciprocate my intense feelings or I am unable to make a connection at all. It’s a terribly uncomfortable feeling.
I guess this is what the professionals like to call emotional invalidation. Whenever I have reached out to someone for emotional validation, I haven’t received it. My grandparents are probably the only people in the world that I don’t question regarding their emotional dedication to me. Do you know what it’s like to feel like there is doubt regarding your parents love? It feels horrible.
I am so happy, giddy, excited, terrified, etc. about my new relationship with my boyfriend (man that still sounds weird to say). I feel so happy around him and count down the hours, minutes, etc. until I get to see him again. It’s an amazing feeling and makes me wonder how I’ve gone this long without it. I honestly don’t know how I would be surviving right now without him. I probably wouldn’t, honestly.
The issues I have now are not only emotional but physical and it’s getting more difficult to deal with. My ankle is driving me nuts; I’m super frustrated because I thought I was getting better and now I’m not. I need this lawsuit to be over now and I need to not be in pain anymore. I’m supposed to be getting a job by the end of this month or I’m out on my ass. I cannot be on my feet for more than 30 minutes at a time but I’m supposed to work?! What the hell?!
I’m also stressed about money, all the fucking time. I’ve been donating plasma twice a week just so I can get enough money for gas to get back and forth between appointments and seeing my boyfriend. I have to go tomorrow morning in order to get gas money for Monday. I hate needles by the way.
Life is so topsy turvy right now and I don’t like this feeling. I feel like I’m constantly stressed and thinking of ways to relax but I can’t. My anxiety is getting so bad that my stomach is hurting again. I can’t sleep; ever. I need someone to rescue me but I know it’ll never happen. I’m not even that excited about my birthday on March 20th. The worst thing about my anxiety is that my skin picking impulse has come back. I have avoided it for so long now but the other night I spent 2 hours on my legs alone. For those of you that have this problem, you know what a big deal this is.
I guess life could be worse but it could be better too.