Meds update:

So my Topamax and Doxepin (mood and antidepressant) are staying the same. I was starting to notice heightened stress and anxiety/panic levels which were leading to OCD symptoms surfacing. I mentioned this to my ARNP and she put me back on Klonopin! Yay! I missed it so much. I finally have something to help with my crippling anxiety again instead of just breathing exercises and avoidance. This will help me get out of the house now and further get over my agoraphobia. It will also help remedy my physical issues I’ve been experiencing, like tightness in my chest and difficulty breathing. I also don’t need to start counting, picking, or pulling again.

I started the Vyvanse (this was my second day) and so far I like it. I take it when I get up each morning and it does what it’s meant to do. It generally works about 12-13 hours. I haven’t noticed any physical side effects, aside from weird visual “trails”, but that will subside, I’m sure. No jitters, no racing heart, nothing like Ritalin. It just gradually helps me with my energy level through out the day. I’m not a morning person at all and where I would normally need a nap when I get home from work, I’m perfectly fine. I haven’t tested it in regards to concentration yet. I might do that tomorrow.

I’m pleased either way so far. Medications fucking rock.

Update on my transgressions

I just sat down at Panera for lunch and blogging time. I had therapy at noon and it was the most intense session yet. I cried and I’ve never cried in therapy with her. She basically said that I’ve hit a roadblock right now. I am to see a psychiatrist next Friday and see about medicating my depression and anxiety away. I cannot continue working with her until I’m stable and my depression is making it impossible.

I feel so numb right now. I took half a lortab before session and I plan on taking another half in about an hour. I want to be numb all day and night. I want to be numb until Monday’s session.

We discussed more about my dependency on the idea of committing myself inpatient. The fact that it’s a last resort and a safety blanket for me, not a remedy. We also spoke about how dependent I already am on her and how even if she could see me more, she wouldn’t because it would only further my dependency. I admittedly teared up and felt an ache in my heart when I heard this. I know in my mind, this is logical and right. My heart, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I yearn for our encounters and I feed off of them. I’m a junkie.

I’m thrilled and excited to finally be getting the help I need but I’m terrified. I feel like Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, constantly fighting. One part of me wants to get better and be happy. The other part wants to stay the same or even possibly get worse. I yearn for that attention and affection I never got as a child. I need it to breathe.

So begins the battle of the chemicals of my brain and medication. I’ll be in touch later about the results.