I don’t know how it feels to want to be alive.

I don’t know what it feels like to not have death as an option. Even when I’m considered stable, like I am now, I still think of it often. I haven’t burned myself in so long, my scars have faded and yet, I still think of suicide as a “get out of shitty life” free card. I stare at the giant 15o count bottle of pills and wonder if I’d make it though without throwing up first or passing out. Of course I’d have to eat all of my Vyvanse and Klonopin too. Lamictal won’t cut the mustard. Why is this still an obsession for me? Once it was there, in my brain, it’s like it planted it’s seed to stay. I keep hacking away at the soil around it but, nothing. Will I always struggle with suicidality? What an exhausting existence.

Meds update:

So my Topamax and Doxepin (mood and antidepressant) are staying the same. I was starting to notice heightened stress and anxiety/panic levels which were leading to OCD symptoms surfacing. I mentioned this to my ARNP and she put me back on Klonopin! Yay! I missed it so much. I finally have something to help with my crippling anxiety again instead of just breathing exercises and avoidance. This will help me get out of the house now and further get over my agoraphobia. It will also help remedy my physical issues I’ve been experiencing, like tightness in my chest and difficulty breathing. I also don’t need to start counting, picking, or pulling again.

I started the Vyvanse (this was my second day) and so far I like it. I take it when I get up each morning and it does what it’s meant to do. It generally works about 12-13 hours. I haven’t noticed any physical side effects, aside from weird visual “trails”, but that will subside, I’m sure. No jitters, no racing heart, nothing like Ritalin. It just gradually helps me with my energy level through out the day. I’m not a morning person at all and where I would normally need a nap when I get home from work, I’m perfectly fine. I haven’t tested it in regards to concentration yet. I might do that tomorrow.

I’m pleased either way so far. Medications fucking rock.

so I may or may not be slightly addicted to pills.

I’ve recreationally dabbled in the pill genre for a few years now, maybe 10 years?

Anywho, I’m currently craving the pain pills and Ambien my mom happens to have in bulk in the other room. She got some crazy plastic surgery and they have her high as a kite. My mouth waters just thinking of them. Of course this is the day my therapist is off.