Sometimes, like right now, when I stop long enough to let my mind wander, usually just a minute or so, I end up in a bad place. I end up in a painful place. I feel so much inner turmoil. I feel stuck. I want to scream, punch the wall, break the window, and simultaneously do nothing. I want and need relief.
I’ve been hurt so much. My pain is so intense.
I feel like I’m back to square one. All these years of therapy and hospitalization and I’m back to feeling like this wounded child. I just want to be done with this. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I have 7 more group classes for sexual assault. I feel like I’m going to make it through all week until I’m right in the middle of the group, and especially after. I feel like death. I feel so drained and numb. I have a feeling this is not going to the end-all, be-all for my recovery. Hearing what happened to everyone in the group is so triggering, each and every week. I understand that it’s necessary to heal, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty. I may have to continue to take a Klonopin before each group. I was avoiding it but it seems that it may be essential to my emotional well-being afterward.
This group is further solidifying the misandrist in me.