Tried to resuscitate, didn’t work.

I’m so confused and hurt and….and…emotional right now. I haven’t felt like this in so long. I’m a walking contradiction and it’s so very uncomfortable. I feel relief and despair at the same time. I feel yearning and yet I know it will never be.

Tomorrow is the big day. I have to be the adult. I have to be the strong one, as usual. Why are the fragile ones always the ones who have to be the strongest? Why are we always the ones who have to come forth and be the bigger person?

Where to from here? I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

Also, can I just say this again, for the millionth time, “I love my therapist”.

Relationships can suck sometimes

I don’t know what I’m doing, clearly. I’m out of my league. Why did I think I was capable of sustaining a relationship with someone when I hate myself, I’m paranoid, and when I’m too chicken shit to communicate effectively? Venting and bitching in therapy each week isn’t doing any good. Nothing gets accomplished. The level of my paranoia is sky high and I have no concrete evidence of anything, not that I don’t continue to look.

I’ve always thought of myself as the type who would bust through the stereotypical girlfriend roles. I wouldn’t nag, get jealous, or yell. I’d be the cool girlfriend you could brag about to your buddies. So far, I haven’t lived up to my hopes and expectations.

I never planned to be so clingy. I want you to have your personal time. I want you to know how much you matter to me. I want you to come home from work to a clean apartment, dinner on the table, possible sex, and a good nights sleep. I want you to be happy; so happy you never need to look elsewhere.

I’m sorry I’m crazy and I am having a rough time controlling it. I’m sorry I suffocate you and assume you’re going to leave me any minute.  I’m sorry I have no clue what I’m doing. I wish I could feel secure and I wish you would help make me understand. I would love to take all of the blame, but maybe you could take a little of it? You have numerous faults too and do nothing to improve on them. I can’t be expected to change if you’re not willing to.

If you’re looking elsewhere, please be honest with me. I deserve that, at least.

Another day, another shitty day

I knew staying at home was a bad idea. I woke up to yet another argument about me. I then received another lecture for about an hour. I wanted to throw up I was panicking so much. I want to burn now but I won’t because I signed a contract saying I wouldn’t. That’s about the only thing stopping me.
I’m getting so sick of saying ” I hate my life” and meaning it. I’m too young to want to die already. Way too young.

This depression is getting me down.

It seems no matter what I do to distract myself, I still end up back to feeling like shit.

I cried after sex tonight. Before you try to make a joke or be immature about it, it’s because I was so frustrated with my inability to orgasm. This may not seem like a big deal but it is starting to really annoy and frustrate me. I feel like I’m defective and I have had enough. I’m worried this will happen all my life and that I shouldn’t bother. (There’s that black and white thinking again.)

Ugh, I’m just exhausted. Mentally exhausted. Can you be emotionally exhausted? I think so, I’m that too.

No eggshells or hurt feelings please.

My therapist brought something up in session the other day that got me to thinking (like I need help in that department). She asked me what I wanted those around me to do and say so that I wouldn’t be so hurt by everything all the time. That may seem insensitive but in context, it made sense. I didn’t have an answer for her. The more I think about it, the more I become confused.

What do I want people to do? I don’t want them walking on eggshells but I want my feelings to matter. I want people to be truthful and open with me but I want them to make sure they don’t offend me. Is there a gray area for this? Am I just not seeing it?

I want healthy, “normal” relationships. Why can’t I?

The thought just popped into my head and I started tearing up.

I am a pretty sociable person. I find it easy to make friends when I’m trying to. I’m pretty funny, I like good music and food, I’m pretty intelligent. I’m not trying to sound like a narcissist, I’m just explaining to you that I’m alright.

Why is it so hard for me to have healthy relationships? They may start out normal enough, whatever that is, and then they slowly move into the dangerous areas. Dangerous for me more than anyone else because I usually end up getting hurt. I would actually bet that nine times out of ten, I will get hurt. It may be by something they’ve said, something they’ve done, or they may leave. I can’t handle when people leave me. It doesn’t matter how close we are, it still hurts something awful.

I think one of my biggest issues lately is the whole attachment and obsession thing. I do it with anyone who I connect with in the smallest way. It’s not like I stalk them or anything, I just think we’re going to be friends when that may not be the case. I don’t mean acquaintances either, I mean BFFLs and all that. That’s not healthy for me because I ultimately end up pushing them away with my crazy smothering. I want to be with them all the time and that’s not plausible. I’ve already pushed two people out of my life by doing this but I continue to do it.

Then there’s the seething anger and abandonment I struggle with when they don’t answer my email, phone calls, texts, etc. I don’t let the logical part of my mind tell me that there could be a good reason they’re not able to answer me. The emotional part of me steps in and gets all hurt and angry. “They hate me already” or ” I’ve pushed them away”.

I also have an issue with older women. If they are caring, nurturing people in any way, I put them up on a pedestal and become obsessed with their company. I guess I am still looking for that emotional fulfillment I should have gotten from my mom but never did. My therapist’s have all filled this for me in some way and when I meet anyone who does the same in real life, I struggle with it.

It’s not a comfortable feeling. I have to practice a lot of self-control, which is something I’m not good at. I want to call them whenever I don’t feel alright. I want to hug them and be close to them and this isn’t possible. Sometimes I honestly think about becoming a recluse but know that deep down, that not possible for me to do. I need people in my life because I see being alone as being lonely. I can’t take being lonely.