I carved “dirty” into my leg last night and I didn’t even want to. I got halfway in and it hurt. I wanted to stop, but my obsessive, impulsivity (OCD) wouldn’t allow me to not finish. I’ve got to get this shit under control. I sign contract after contract stating I won’t harm myself, yet when I’m under duress, I am apathetic to everything else.
I think I’m falling apart and quickly. I am currently surviving hour by hour, which feels awful. I want to sleep and take pills all day and not do anything.
I was rejected by someone I liked and it’s because I’m fucking crazy.
I want to die.
I just found my quarter from last year. It’s what they give you when you graduate intensive outpatient at Baptist hospital. This would have been around the time I was getting out too, I believe. I had painted it with glitter nail polish and then super-glued it to a necklace piece that I searched every craft store around for, I cared that much about it. I cared deeply about the woman running the IO course. I was so attached to being inpatient, I didn’t want to let go. I still kind of fantasize about it. I think I’m going to bring my quarter to therapy on Thursday and show my therapist. I can’t believe it’s been a year.
It’s also been so long since I’ve burned, I don’t have any real noticeable scars, except to myself and to those who know where they are. When I’ve shown those who didn’t know me when I burned, they were surprised. I even got lazy and stopped using the oil and they still faded away, it’s been that long!
Temptation hovers every time I’m triggered but I am managing, somehow.