i honestly don’t know how i’m keeping it together right now because i just want to cry and fall apart and just breathe!!!! but i have to act like everything is okay but in all actuality my stomach hurts 98% of the time and i can’t eat anything and i’m not sleeping well and i’m so stressed and so anxious and on the verge of tears and a break down at any moment and i have no one to talk to, which is the most painful part.
When you have thoughts in your head that you know, logically, are wrong, but you still think them and believe them to be true, just a little bit. Just enough to where they hurt. Enough that they depress you and make you hate yourself. These thoughts seem to come like a tsunami.
You’re fat ugly boring mean stupid useless mean lazy
Why is he marrying you? You should just disappear. Why are you even bothering? Stay in bed. Don’t shower. You’ll never look like that so don’t bother. You’ll always be horrible.
It doesn’t matter how many people tell you the opposite, sometimes your brain gangs up on you and won’t stop. When those people that are most important in your life don’t bother to positively boost you and build you up, it doesn’t help you defeat these thoughts at all. You sometimes can’t do it alone and that’s okay. Life isn’t meant to be tackled alone. We’re social beings.
Lately my brain cannot/will not slow down. Every silent moment is filled with racing negative, self defeating thoughts. I cry every night and trying to complete the simplest of tasks is becoming impossible.
Negative racing thoughts have a lot of power. We shouldn’t just shrug them off and treat them like some minor nuisance. They have a major impact on our emotional well being and acting like they’re something we can just turn off is ignorant and dangerous. Learning how to change our coping when we have negative thoughts is more effective, in my opinion, than just telling someone to change their thoughts. If we learn to effectively cope with our thoughts then we are more likely to be able to learn how to challenge negative thoughts in the future.
I cannot pretend that I know how to handle oppressive, self defeating, negative thoughts. I have them everyday, sometimes all day. Lately, I have been dealing with them on a regular basis and I don’t know how to handle it. I cry a lot. I try to journal and let it out. I sleep. I just keep going. I know that I’ve been through a lot worse and I can get through this too.
I knew back in July. Well almost….
If you look back, you’ll see a short post about my 3 year mark with my therapist. I mentioned then how I was nervous that she might be leaving soon and how I wasn’t going to have anywhere to go, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I guess I should trust my gut instincts because they seem to be fairly accurate. I had my last session with her this past Monday. The reasoning behind us having to end our professional relationship was in no way her fault. The women’s center she works at (she is now paid and is no longer only getting accreditation hours) essentially survives on grants from the government and is really only meant to give short term counseling (15-20 sessions). I have been going for 3 1/2 years. I knew it was coming, I just wasn’t sure when. I knew she was either going to leave and start work elsewhere or this was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to be so soon. I also thought we’d have some more time to work on some pertinent issues.
I have not had sex since before the childhood survivors of sexual assault group back in March? and I miss it, but not really, but kind of sort of…. okay it’s a touchy subject. I have no libido but I keep having sexual dreams. Medications don’t help, of course. The mere thought terrifies me but the thought that my fiance is missing out and unhappy makes me unhappy. We REALLY need to work on this but I cannot afford to see anyone right now. I found someone I’d like to start seeing but it’s too expensive and there’s the whole “getting to know you” stage. Anyways, it’s not pleasant right now and I’m stressed about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No support.
Then, there’s the issue of this wedding, school, and general unhappiness in my life. This feeling of doom lingering. I feel like I won’t have anything to look forward to after the wedding in March and I’ll be stuck in the house, bored to tears, depressed, no therapist. My dad is being very cool about paying for the wedding, which is really awesome and he’s being very, different, when we talk on the phone. I don’t know how to explain it. He’s more involved? More receptive? We’re going over there on Christmas day instead of my mom’s because I feel I owe it to him. I don’t know how to handle this new way he’s acting. Do I act more involved in his life now? Do I do anything different? I feel so out of place.
I am also having issues with people who I thought were my friends and they’ve shown they really weren’t. I have a tendency to invest myself emotionally into people prior to them actually proving whether they deserve it or whether they plan on reciprocating it. This usually ends in me getting hurt. No surprise this time… I thought I was closer with someone than I was and it bit me in the ass. I thought this person cared for me. I thought this person gave a shit. Silly me. Oh well. Move on and try to learn from the experience I guess.
I truly do need someone in my life right now to speak to and I don’t have that outlet. I miss my therapist so much. She was so much more than someone I paid to give me advice. She was a friend, a confidant, and a big part of my life. I feel I’m missing my safety net right now and I’m kind of lost.
I just woke up. It’s 1pm, I need to eat, shower, etc. and begin the major task of finals homework. I have zero mental capacity to be doing this right now. How the hell am I supposed to do this alone?
I saw my therapist for the first time in, well, over a month today. We briefly caught up, but ended up on a very sensitive subject for me: sexual abuse when I was a child. I still haven’t told her, in detail, what happened and I’m not quite sure why. This is a link we both share, so you’d think I would be more open to saying what happened. I think I feel an extremely large amount of guilt. I don’t think I was at fault, by any means. I was only a small girl when it happened. I think I feel guilt because I didn’t stop him and I could have. I also didn’t tell anyone about it until I was much older and in therapy. I feel guilt because there are those in this world who have suffered far worse at the hands of someone they trusted, loved, etc. and I feel like maybe I should just get over it. The logical part of my mind says this is all bullshit, but my emotions say something completely different.
We also discussed my current relationship and how I cannot be intimate because my mind won’t stop racing back to that night. Whenever we try to be intimate, which isn’t often anymore, I wince. I can’t stop my mind from racing. I keep thinking:I hope he doesn’t touch me like I was that night. When I think this, I end up ending whatever was happening. Sex is obviously out of the question at the moment until this is tackled. The amount of guilt I feel because of this is monumental. The logical part of me realizes that I’m in no type of “binding contract” to perform sexual acts for anyone unless I damn well please, but I still feel an insane amount of guilt. Self loathing, low self esteem, and guilt have been my constant negative feelings lately, coupled with stress and loneliness. It’s all too much sometimes.
We also discussed how my mom didn’t (maybe still doesn’t) believe me when I told her and how that makes me feel. I haven’t figured out if this is worse than what actually happened that night. To be told by your mother that “you must be remembering it wrong” or “he would never do something like that”. It’s a horribly invalidating experience and I feel like I can never trust her for anything. I feel so numb right now. I know that talking about it is better than bottling it up, but I don’t like the rawness I’m experiencing. I feel like crawling in bed right now for the rest of the day. I’m supposed to go to my mom’s tonight but I really don’t want to and I cannot think of an excuse to get out of it.
Being open about what happened to me has been a positive as well as a negative experience. I feel more empowered when I share with certain people and yet, I feel trapped at the same time. This is something I purposely pushed down so deep, for years, and completely “forgot” about. Now I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.
I am on week 9, the last week of my Math class, and I have my final due on Sunday. I am still behind, on week 4 precisely, and have so much makeup work to do. If I don’t pass this class, I will have to take it again and pay for it myself, out of pocket, which would be around 1200 bucks. Needless to say, I don’t have it. I do this every class. I procrastinate and don’t do the work and then I get so far behind, I am stressed and swamped the last week. I am even more worried with this being a math class because I’m horrible at math and feel like it’s a foreign language. If it were writing a bunch of papers, I would be fine, but… ugh. I’m so tired. Stress just makes me want to disappear into a hole.
I think I may journal later though about this “guilt shaming/paranoia” thing I’ve got going on lately. It’s odd and I don’t quite know how to describe it correctly right now but, it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant and negative. I guess you could say that it’s a very intense critic inside myself that has been too harsh and has basically been shaming myself for having certain feelings, like guilt, paranoia, etc. and also for not doing things I should be doing like calling my Dad or doing the dishes. It’s my inner critic being really, really, REALLY nasty lately and I don’t know why.