I feel so overwhelmed.

I’m behind, again. I feel so stressed out, I could cry. I am frozen. Instead of tackling my coursework and kicking ass, like I should, and I could, I’m sitting here defeated. I feel swamped.I let it fucking happen again. It happens every time.

I’m a horrible student. I shouldn’t be in school. I feel like a failure. Negative self-talk? You betcha. Defeatist? I sure am. Biggest critic? Always have been and always will be. I am paralyzed from doing what I need to do and being responsible. I stare at my computer screen and daydream. I get depressed. I get drowsy and want a nap. I need help but I don’t think there is any. I need to tackle this on my own.

This is my life. I’m always waiting until the last minute. Scraping by. Hoping that I’ll pass instead of excelling at something I know I’d be great at. I’m not even at a “real” University yet with a full course load. If I even get there, I won’t make it past the first semester.

I almost lost it today

in public too.

I was at physical therapy and I was in a lot more pain than usual. I was just laying there, my ankle throbbing, unable to do anything about it. I started tearing up thinking about how helpless I was to do anything about the pain and how frustrating it was that I had backtracked so much.  Luckily I kept my composure until I got in the car, where I totally lost it on the way home. If my mom had been around, I so would have pulled a 3 year old tantrum thing.  I just want this pain to go away. I’m so annoyed with this “speed bump” and the fact that it ‘s ruining me emotionally as well as physically. Anyone who’s been hurt physically can identify, I’m sure.

I’m stressed on top of this ankle bullshit. I’m tired of not sleeping through the night and I’m tired of struggling for money. I’m just….. tired.