Moving on..

What do you do when you’ve lost someone you care deeply about and you don’t know how to move on? What then? They’re still alive but you’re no longer a part of their world, for whatever reason, and you are in pain. What do you do?

I’ve never learned how to grieve properly. I don’t know how to end a close relationship with someone and then just continue my life. I see and hear things that remind me of them and it hurts. I’m told to look back fondly and remember my time with them as a positive chapter in my life, which I do, but I’m still aching. I need to fill that void.

This person was very important to me and they suddenly are not a part of my life. I cannot just move on. I cannot just forget it and live my life like everything is okay. I don’t know why that’s expected of me. I don’t know why my experience is downplayed.

I don’t know what to do and I have no one to ask.

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Saying goodbye and other stressors, an update.

I knew back in July. Well almost….

If you look back, you’ll see a short post about my 3 year mark with my therapist. I mentioned then how I was nervous that she might be leaving soon and how I wasn’t going to have anywhere to go, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I guess I should trust my gut instincts because they seem to be fairly accurate. I had my last session with her this past Monday. The reasoning behind us having to end our professional relationship was in no way her fault. The women’s center she works at (she is now paid and is no longer only getting accreditation hours) essentially survives on grants from the government and is really only meant to give short term counseling (15-20 sessions). I have been going for 3 1/2 years. I knew it was coming, I just wasn’t sure when. I knew she was either going to leave and start work elsewhere or this was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to be so soon. I also thought we’d have some more time to work on some pertinent issues.

I have not had sex since before the childhood survivors of sexual assault group back in March? and I miss it, but not really, but kind of sort of…. okay it’s a touchy subject. I have no libido but I keep having sexual dreams. Medications don’t help, of course. The mere thought terrifies me but the thought that my fiance is missing out and unhappy makes me unhappy. We REALLY need to work on this but I cannot afford to see anyone right now. I found someone I’d like to start seeing but it’s too expensive and there’s the whole “getting to know you” stage. Anyways, it’s not pleasant right now and I’m stressed about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No support.

Then, there’s the issue of this wedding, school, and general unhappiness in my life. This feeling of doom lingering. I feel like I won’t have anything to look forward to after the wedding in March and I’ll be stuck in the house, bored to tears, depressed, no therapist. My dad is being very cool about paying for the wedding, which is really awesome and he’s being very, different, when we talk on the phone. I don’t know how to explain it. He’s more involved? More receptive? We’re going over there on Christmas day instead of my mom’s because I feel I owe it to him. I don’t know how to handle this new way he’s acting. Do I act more involved in his life now? Do I do anything different? I feel so out of place.

I am also having issues with people who I thought were my friends and they’ve shown they really weren’t. I have a tendency to invest myself emotionally into people prior to them actually proving whether they deserve it or whether they plan on reciprocating it. This usually ends in me getting hurt. No surprise this time… I thought I was closer with someone than I was and it bit me in the ass. I thought this person cared for me. I thought this person gave a shit. Silly me. Oh well. Move on and try to learn from the experience I guess.

I truly do need someone in my life right now to speak to and I don’t have that outlet. I miss my therapist so much. She was so much more than someone I paid to give me advice. She was a friend, a confidant, and a big part of my life. I feel I’m missing my safety net right now and I’m kind of lost.

Three years…

It’s been a really tumultuous three years but I’m still here, fighting and whining and bitching and crying and, well, healing. I’ve been with my current therapist for three years! It’s just, well, it’s just unbelievable. First off, you’re not supposed to go past 10-12 sessions at the women’s center where I see her, so three years is unheard of. I don’t know how she’s worked it out, but I’m very grateful. I only pay $15 a session and wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than that. Second, I should have died a few times by now if it weren’t for her help. I almost successfully committed suicide in August and I’ve been hospitalized three subsequent times since. She’s been there for me the whole time, as much as she was able to.

I’m terrified that she will leave the women’s center she’s been at (she’s been getting her hours for license certification) and go elsewhere. If it’s somewhere in Jacksonville and we can work on price, I’ll be fine. The problem is, she live in Amelia Island, and I cannot afford to drive that far for therapy. I’m dreading the day she tells me that she is leaving. I don’t think I can handle it. I guess until then, I will cherish every session with her.