Moving on..

What do you do when you’ve lost someone you care deeply about and you don’t know how to move on? What then? They’re still alive but you’re no longer a part of their world, for whatever reason, and you are in pain. What do you do?

I’ve never learned how to grieve properly. I don’t know how to end a close relationship with someone and then just continue my life. I see and hear things that remind me of them and it hurts. I’m told to look back fondly and remember my time with them as a positive chapter in my life, which I do, but I’m still aching. I need to fill that void.

This person was very important to me and they suddenly are not a part of my life. I cannot just move on. I cannot just forget it and live my life like everything is okay. I don’t know why that’s expected of me. I don’t know why my experience is downplayed.

I don’t know what to do and I have no one to ask.

Saying goodbye and other stressors, an update.

I knew back in July. Well almost….

If you look back, you’ll see a short post about my 3 year mark with my therapist. I mentioned then how I was nervous that she might be leaving soon and how I wasn’t going to have anywhere to go, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I guess I should trust my gut instincts because they seem to be fairly accurate. I had my last session with her this past Monday. The reasoning behind us having to end our professional relationship was in no way her fault. The women’s center she works at (she is now paid and is no longer only getting accreditation hours) essentially survives on grants from the government and is really only meant to give short term counseling (15-20 sessions). I have been going for 3 1/2 years. I knew it was coming, I just wasn’t sure when. I knew she was either going to leave and start work elsewhere or this was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to be so soon. I also thought we’d have some more time to work on some pertinent issues.

I have not had sex since before the childhood survivors of sexual assault group back in March? and I miss it, but not really, but kind of sort of…. okay it’s a touchy subject. I have no libido but I keep having sexual dreams. Medications don’t help, of course. The mere thought terrifies me but the thought that my fiance is missing out and unhappy makes me unhappy. We REALLY need to work on this but I cannot afford to see anyone right now. I found someone I’d like to start seeing but it’s too expensive and there’s the whole “getting to know you” stage. Anyways, it’s not pleasant right now and I’m stressed about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No support.

Then, there’s the issue of this wedding, school, and general unhappiness in my life. This feeling of doom lingering. I feel like I won’t have anything to look forward to after the wedding in March and I’ll be stuck in the house, bored to tears, depressed, no therapist. My dad is being very cool about paying for the wedding, which is really awesome and he’s being very, different, when we talk on the phone. I don’t know how to explain it. He’s more involved? More receptive? We’re going over there on Christmas day instead of my mom’s because I feel I owe it to him. I don’t know how to handle this new way he’s acting. Do I act more involved in his life now? Do I do anything different? I feel so out of place.

I am also having issues with people who I thought were my friends and they’ve shown they really weren’t. I have a tendency to invest myself emotionally into people prior to them actually proving whether they deserve it or whether they plan on reciprocating it. This usually ends in me getting hurt. No surprise this time… I thought I was closer with someone than I was and it bit me in the ass. I thought this person cared for me. I thought this person gave a shit. Silly me. Oh well. Move on and try to learn from the experience I guess.

I truly do need someone in my life right now to speak to and I don’t have that outlet. I miss my therapist so much. She was so much more than someone I paid to give me advice. She was a friend, a confidant, and a big part of my life. I feel I’m missing my safety net right now and I’m kind of lost.

Three years…

It’s been a really tumultuous three years but I’m still here, fighting and whining and bitching and crying and, well, healing. I’ve been with my current therapist for three years! It’s just, well, it’s just unbelievable. First off, you’re not supposed to go past 10-12 sessions at the women’s center where I see her, so three years is unheard of. I don’t know how she’s worked it out, but I’m very grateful. I only pay $15 a session and wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than that. Second, I should have died a few times by now if it weren’t for her help. I almost successfully committed suicide in August and I’ve been hospitalized three subsequent times since. She’s been there for me the whole time, as much as she was able to.

I’m terrified that she will leave the women’s center she’s been at (she’s been getting her hours for license certification) and go elsewhere. If it’s somewhere in Jacksonville and we can work on price, I’ll be fine. The problem is, she live in Amelia Island, and I cannot afford to drive that far for therapy. I’m dreading the day she tells me that she is leaving. I don’t think I can handle it. I guess until then, I will cherish every session with her.

Journal entry August 10, 2011

Well, after I told Chris what happened with Anne and had a good cry, he put a completely different perspective on this whole thing. My plan to try and “hate” her in order to make it easier to leave Is probably not going to work now. he mentioned that there’s the possibility that she goes home and is affected over this too. I just broke down. I started sobbing from my gut for a good 5 minutes, I couldn’t breathe. To think of her in pain caused me even more pain.

Sexual Assault Group

I have 7 more group classes for sexual assault. I feel like I’m going to make it through all week until I’m right in the middle of the group, and especially after. I feel like death. I feel so drained and numb. I have a feeling this is not going to the end-all, be-all for my recovery. Hearing what happened to everyone in the group is so triggering, each and every week. I understand that it’s necessary to heal, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty. I may have to continue to take a Klonopin before each group. I was avoiding it but it seems that it may be essential to my emotional well-being afterward.

This group is further solidifying the misandrist in me.

Touchy subject, no pun intended.

I saw my therapist for the first time in, well, over a month today. We briefly caught up, but ended up on a very sensitive subject for me: sexual abuse when I was a child. I still haven’t told her, in detail, what happened and I’m not quite sure why. This is a link we both share, so you’d think I would be more open to saying what happened. I think I feel an extremely large amount of guilt. I don’t think I was at fault, by any means. I was only a small girl when it happened. I think I feel guilt because I didn’t stop him and I could have. I also didn’t tell anyone about it until I was much older and in therapy. I feel guilt because there are those in this world who have suffered far worse at the hands of someone they trusted, loved, etc. and I feel like maybe I should just get over it. The logical part of my mind says this is all bullshit, but my emotions say something completely different.

We also discussed my current relationship and how I cannot be intimate because my mind won’t stop racing back to that night. Whenever we try to be intimate, which isn’t often anymore, I wince. I can’t stop my mind from racing. I keep thinking:I hope he doesn’t touch me like I was that night. When I think this, I end up ending whatever was happening. Sex is obviously out of the question at the moment until this is tackled. The amount of guilt I feel because of this is monumental. The logical part of me realizes that I’m in no type of “binding contract” to perform sexual acts for anyone unless I damn well please, but I still feel an insane amount of guilt. Self loathing, low self esteem, and guilt have been my constant negative feelings lately, coupled with stress and loneliness. It’s all too much sometimes.

We also discussed how my mom didn’t (maybe still doesn’t) believe me when I told her and how that makes me feel. I haven’t figured out if this is worse than what actually happened that night. To be told by your mother that “you must be remembering it wrong” or “he would never do something like that”. It’s a horribly invalidating experience and I feel like I can never trust her for anything. I feel so numb right now. I know that talking about it is better than bottling it up, but I don’t like the rawness I’m experiencing. I feel like crawling in bed right now for the rest of the day. I’m supposed to go to my mom’s tonight but I really don’t want to and I cannot think of an excuse to get out of it.

Being open about what happened to me has been a positive as well as a negative experience. I feel more empowered when I share with certain people and yet, I feel trapped at the same time. This is something I purposely pushed down so deep, for years, and completely “forgot” about. Now I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

Bad thoughts

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

I don’t know what to do. The one person I usually go to to talk to about these thoughts and feelings, I can’t! The reason being, the feelings and thoughts revolve around her! My therapist is the cause and center of my current dilemma and I’m at a loss as to what the fuck I’m supposed to do. My family is a dead end, my best friend tries but he just really can’t comprehend the way I need him to, and total strangers on the internet can only do so much. I feel like I’m losing my grip. I’m beginning to dissociate while driving. I’m having frequent crying spells. I’m thinking more and more about self harm. It’s like I’m about to relapse and we still have 7 more months of therapy left.

I’m trying to make myself hate her. I feel like if I can make myself mad at her, then at least it will hurt less than if I feel betrayed and let down by someone I still care for. She told me several times she’d never leave me and she’s doing just that. I thought she’d fight for me. I thought she’d devise a plan with me and we’d be trying our darnedest to fight the system and at least go out kicking and screaming. I feel so defeated. I feel like I just want to disappear.