Tried to resuscitate, didn’t work.

I’m so confused and hurt and….and…emotional right now. I haven’t felt like this in so long. I’m a walking contradiction and it’s so very uncomfortable. I feel relief and despair at the same time. I feel yearning and yet I know it will never be.

Tomorrow is the big day. I have to be the adult. I have to be the strong one, as usual. Why are the fragile ones always the ones who have to be the strongest? Why are we always the ones who have to come forth and be the bigger person?

Where to from here? I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

Also, can I just say this again, for the millionth time, “I love my therapist”.

Schemas, mine suck.

I found out my top schemas today and they weren’t a surprise in the least bit.

Just in case you were wondering, a schema is defined as the following:

A schema (pl. schemata or schemas), in psychology and cognitive science, describes any of several concepts including:

  • An organized pattern of thought or behavior.
  • A structured cluster of pre-conceived ideas.
  • A mental structure that represents some aspect of the world.
  • A specific knowledge structure or cognitive representation of the self.
  • A mental framework centering on a specific theme, that helps us to organize social information.
  • Structures that organize our knowledge and assumptions about something and are used for interpreting and processing information.

A schema for oneself is called a “self schema”. Schemata for other people are called “person schemata”. Schemata for roles or occupations are called “role schemata”, and schemata for events or situations are called “event schemata” (or scripts).

Schemata influence our attention, as we are more likely to notice things that fit into our schema. If something contradicts our schema, it may be encoded or interpreted as an exception or as unique. Thus, schemata are prone to distortion. They influence what we look for in a situation. They have a tendency to remain unchanged, even in the face of contradictory information. We are inclined to place people who do not fit our schema in a “special” or “different” category, rather than to consider the possibility that our schema may be faulty. As a result of schemata, we might act in such a way that actually causes our expectations to come true.

Okay, so now you know what a schema is. Which schema is affecting me the most? Abandonment, Emotional Deprivation, Pessimism, and Approval Seeking are my main schemas.

Emotional Deprivation
This schema refers to the belief that one’s primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurturance – needs for affection, closeness and love; Empathy – needs to be listened to and understood; Protection – needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don’t adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.

This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end imminently. As children, these clients may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child’s needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone or unattended to for extended periods.

This schema refers to the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one’s genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. Clients with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents in their early years.

This schema refers to a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. Clients with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how
well things are going for them. Usually these clients had a parent who worried excessively.

Am I surprised by these? No. Do they hurt. Yes, they still hurt. Each of them describes my childhood to a “T”. I wasn’t abused as a child. I wasn’t necessarily neglected, in the traditional sense, but I was in the emotionally damaging sense. Everything that happened to me in my childhood, including my teen years, has made me the hot mess I am today. While I agree that many have been through far worse and have come out just fine; it’s the fact that I am genetically predisposed to be more sensitive that has made my upbringing that more painful for me.

It sucks to know you’re defective and it can be so easily summed up in little paragraphs. While it’s a comfort to see that there is some sort of therapy available to help, I’m very doubtful (pessimism) and concerned. I still need therapy to deal with ongoing issues each week but we have to focus on schema therapy instead.

I feel like a big part of me is being ignored. I feel alone again. These are parts of me that I knew to be, me. I didn’t think they were fixable. I thought I was one big mistake, one big problem. While I am trying to remain hopeful, it’s still a lot to process right now. I have so much going on in my life. I have so much going on in my brain. While I had convinced myself that I was fighting BPD and tried to learn all I could about that, it turns out it’s so much bigger than that. BPD is just a part of a bigger monster. I feel like I’ve been fighting for years now, and I have. For ten years, I’ve been fighting each day to stay alive and it’s draining the little bit of life out of me. I don’t know how much more fight I have left in me.

Goodbye Anne

I only have 20 more sessions with my counselor. I found this out today and I’m feeling pretty sick about it. Apparently, the center where I see her doesn’t allow long term counseling services. To them, 20 is the maximum allowed. I’ve been seeing her for almost a year, so obviously I’ve gone way over.  What sucks most about this is that I feel like I need her even more and now I’m learning I’ll be seeing her less. I was given the option to continue weekly sessions and see her for 5 more months. Or, I can choose bi-weekly session and double that amount of time, which I obviously did.

I went into session today and brought up my fear that she was beginning to get sick of me and was ready to pass me on to someone else. She assured me that this was not true and then dropped this bombshell on me. I can’t help but feel like I’m being abandoned. I have nowhere else to go. I cannot afford to pay more than I do and there are not other options available.

So when I see her for the last time, what will I do? Right now, I’m thinking I’ll flip out. Crying is the least of my worries. I tend to impulsively endanger myself when I am abandoned. I hope between now and then, I’ll have learned some new coping skills to deal, but I am skeptical. I can’t think about it. The more I do, the more I want to crawl into a ball and never leave my bed.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll be on medication and in therapy the rest of my life. It doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is getting close to a therapist and then having to move on to someone else. I don’t want to.

June 14th is one year…

My one year anniversary is coming up. No, not with my boyfriend or a job. With my therapist. (Us crazy people tend to celebrate these landmarks, don’t hate.)

The questions I keep asking myself, “Do I feel like she’s helped me? Do I benefit from seeing her?” Truthfully, I’m torn. While I can’t see myself without her in my life, I realize that may only be because I can’t stand to be alone or “abandoned”. I’ve had therapists in the past that were horrible but when it came time to leave them, I found it very difficult.

The fact that I have such limited resources and that I like her a lot make it very difficult for me to decide. I also realize that she’s only in the beginning of getting her hours towards licensing and is not a full-fledged therapist, yet. Does that make her any less able to help me? I’m not sure. I think she does an awesome job of supporting me and giving me somewhere I can safely vent. I feel like I’m talking to a smarter, wiser, more together friend. But, shouldn’t her knowledge of my particular disorders be a little more helpful?

I know why I do the things I do and say the things I say, but I need help learning how to use skills and I’m not sure she knows those skills or how to teach them to me. I feel like she’s always one session away from saying that she’s had enough and wants to refer my crazy ass to someone more equipped. If that were to happen, I’d probably flip my shit. I feel so conflicted and I don’t know what to do.

I spoke to a LMHC at the conference on Friday and she told me I needed to bring up transference in session. If she’s a good therapist, we’ll work it out. If not, then I do need to go elsewhere. The problem is, where? She’s all I can afford and I can barely afford her. Ugh.

Letter to my therapist, and everyone else.

You say you won’t leave me but why should I believe you, or anyone else for that matter? I was left by my father before I could even say or do anything wrong. My mere existence was enough to break up a marriage. Don’t think I don’t obsess over that all the time. What would have been had I not been born? Would they still be together and happy? Would my dad be fitter, emotionally and physically? Would my mom be happier?

I know she based her decision to leave on what was best for her and her child. I don’t blame her anymore. I blame him for not trying hard enough. Why couldn’t he have tried for me? I’m his flesh and blood. I’m his hair, eyes, and nose. Wasn’t I worth it?

So excuse me if I have trust and dependency issues. Excuse me if I have “daddy issues”.

I want to trust you more than anyone. I want to believe that no matter what I say or do, you’ll be there. Then I see the look in your eyes and hear the disappointment in your voice when I fuck up. I feel like the loneliness will only continue and I can’t bear any of this anymore.

I truly want to believe you’ll be there when I need you most but that’s humanly impossible. How on Earth can you be there all of the time? How would you live? I can’t ask that of you, but then again I can.

I need to smother someone with my love and I need it in return. It’ll never happen and that saddens me more than anything.

Update on my transgressions

I just sat down at Panera for lunch and blogging time. I had therapy at noon and it was the most intense session yet. I cried and I’ve never cried in therapy with her. She basically said that I’ve hit a roadblock right now. I am to see a psychiatrist next Friday and see about medicating my depression and anxiety away. I cannot continue working with her until I’m stable and my depression is making it impossible.

I feel so numb right now. I took half a lortab before session and I plan on taking another half in about an hour. I want to be numb all day and night. I want to be numb until Monday’s session.

We discussed more about my dependency on the idea of committing myself inpatient. The fact that it’s a last resort and a safety blanket for me, not a remedy. We also spoke about how dependent I already am on her and how even if she could see me more, she wouldn’t because it would only further my dependency. I admittedly teared up and felt an ache in my heart when I heard this. I know in my mind, this is logical and right. My heart, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I yearn for our encounters and I feed off of them. I’m a junkie.

I’m thrilled and excited to finally be getting the help I need but I’m terrified. I feel like Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, constantly fighting. One part of me wants to get better and be happy. The other part wants to stay the same or even possibly get worse. I yearn for that attention and affection I never got as a child. I need it to breathe.

So begins the battle of the chemicals of my brain and medication. I’ll be in touch later about the results.

I don’t want to be me anymore

Left therapy in a bad mood today. It took me about 15 minutes to figure it all out. What she (my therapist) said about me really made me feel like shit and it shouldn’t have. She was actually complimenting me but I started to feel uncomfortable and then I started thinking about how she had said more kind things about me in one session than anyone has really said to me in a long time, especially my mom. I started balling in the car on the way home; I could barely see while driving. Also, the feeling, or even impulse, to change who I am was very strong and that only made my mood worse. I found myself wishing I was more like her physically and in other ways. I’m extremely insecure and have zero self-esteem and this became painfully obvious to me today. I think most of the time, I’m in denial about it. I push it away because it is so painful. Someone pays me genuine compliments and I can’t accept them. I don’t believe them and it hurts.