Moving on..

What do you do when you’ve lost someone you care deeply about and you don’t know how to move on? What then? They’re still alive but you’re no longer a part of their world, for whatever reason, and you are in pain. What do you do?

I’ve never learned how to grieve properly. I don’t know how to end a close relationship with someone and then just continue my life. I see and hear things that remind me of them and it hurts. I’m told to look back fondly and remember my time with them as a positive chapter in my life, which I do, but I’m still aching. I need to fill that void.

This person was very important to me and they suddenly are not a part of my life. I cannot just move on. I cannot just forget it and live my life like everything is okay. I don’t know why that’s expected of me. I don’t know why my experience is downplayed.

I don’t know what to do and I have no one to ask.

Saying goodbye and other stressors, an update.

I knew back in July. Well almost….

If you look back, you’ll see a short post about my 3 year mark with my therapist. I mentioned then how I was nervous that she might be leaving soon and how I wasn’t going to have anywhere to go, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I guess I should trust my gut instincts because they seem to be fairly accurate. I had my last session with her this past Monday. The reasoning behind us having to end our professional relationship was in no way her fault. The women’s center she works at (she is now paid and is no longer only getting accreditation hours) essentially survives on grants from the government and is really only meant to give short term counseling (15-20 sessions). I have been going for 3 1/2 years. I knew it was coming, I just wasn’t sure when. I knew she was either going to leave and start work elsewhere or this was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to be so soon. I also thought we’d have some more time to work on some pertinent issues.

I have not had sex since before the childhood survivors of sexual assault group back in March? and I miss it, but not really, but kind of sort of…. okay it’s a touchy subject. I have no libido but I keep having sexual dreams. Medications don’t help, of course. The mere thought terrifies me but the thought that my fiance is missing out and unhappy makes me unhappy. We REALLY need to work on this but I cannot afford to see anyone right now. I found someone I’d like to start seeing but it’s too expensive and there’s the whole “getting to know you” stage. Anyways, it’s not pleasant right now and I’m stressed about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No support.

Then, there’s the issue of this wedding, school, and general unhappiness in my life. This feeling of doom lingering. I feel like I won’t have anything to look forward to after the wedding in March and I’ll be stuck in the house, bored to tears, depressed, no therapist. My dad is being very cool about paying for the wedding, which is really awesome and he’s being very, different, when we talk on the phone. I don’t know how to explain it. He’s more involved? More receptive? We’re going over there on Christmas day instead of my mom’s because I feel I owe it to him. I don’t know how to handle this new way he’s acting. Do I act more involved in his life now? Do I do anything different? I feel so out of place.

I am also having issues with people who I thought were my friends and they’ve shown they really weren’t. I have a tendency to invest myself emotionally into people prior to them actually proving whether they deserve it or whether they plan on reciprocating it. This usually ends in me getting hurt. No surprise this time… I thought I was closer with someone than I was and it bit me in the ass. I thought this person cared for me. I thought this person gave a shit. Silly me. Oh well. Move on and try to learn from the experience I guess.

I truly do need someone in my life right now to speak to and I don’t have that outlet. I miss my therapist so much. She was so much more than someone I paid to give me advice. She was a friend, a confidant, and a big part of my life. I feel I’m missing my safety net right now and I’m kind of lost.

Three years…

It’s been a really tumultuous three years but I’m still here, fighting and whining and bitching and crying and, well, healing. I’ve been with my current therapist for three years! It’s just, well, it’s just unbelievable. First off, you’re not supposed to go past 10-12 sessions at the women’s center where I see her, so three years is unheard of. I don’t know how she’s worked it out, but I’m very grateful. I only pay $15 a session and wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than that. Second, I should have died a few times by now if it weren’t for her help. I almost successfully committed suicide in August and I’ve been hospitalized three subsequent times since. She’s been there for me the whole time, as much as she was able to.

I’m terrified that she will leave the women’s center she’s been at (she’s been getting her hours for license certification) and go elsewhere. If it’s somewhere in Jacksonville and we can work on price, I’ll be fine. The problem is, she live in Amelia Island, and I cannot afford to drive that far for therapy. I’m dreading the day she tells me that she is leaving. I don’t think I can handle it. I guess until then, I will cherish every session with her.

Journal entry August 10, 2011

Well, after I told Chris what happened with Anne and had a good cry, he put a completely different perspective on this whole thing. My plan to try and “hate” her in order to make it easier to leave Is probably not going to work now. he mentioned that there’s the possibility that she goes home and is affected over this too. I just broke down. I started sobbing from my gut for a good 5 minutes, I couldn’t breathe. To think of her in pain caused me even more pain.

Sexual Assault Group

I have 7 more group classes for sexual assault. I feel like I’m going to make it through all week until I’m right in the middle of the group, and especially after. I feel like death. I feel so drained and numb. I have a feeling this is not going to the end-all, be-all for my recovery. Hearing what happened to everyone in the group is so triggering, each and every week. I understand that it’s necessary to heal, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty. I may have to continue to take a Klonopin before each group. I was avoiding it but it seems that it may be essential to my emotional well-being afterward.

This group is further solidifying the misandrist in me.

Touchy subject, no pun intended.

I saw my therapist for the first time in, well, over a month today. We briefly caught up, but ended up on a very sensitive subject for me: sexual abuse when I was a child. I still haven’t told her, in detail, what happened and I’m not quite sure why. This is a link we both share, so you’d think I would be more open to saying what happened. I think I feel an extremely large amount of guilt. I don’t think I was at fault, by any means. I was only a small girl when it happened. I think I feel guilt because I didn’t stop him and I could have. I also didn’t tell anyone about it until I was much older and in therapy. I feel guilt because there are those in this world who have suffered far worse at the hands of someone they trusted, loved, etc. and I feel like maybe I should just get over it. The logical part of my mind says this is all bullshit, but my emotions say something completely different.

We also discussed my current relationship and how I cannot be intimate because my mind won’t stop racing back to that night. Whenever we try to be intimate, which isn’t often anymore, I wince. I can’t stop my mind from racing. I keep thinking:I hope he doesn’t touch me like I was that night. When I think this, I end up ending whatever was happening. Sex is obviously out of the question at the moment until this is tackled. The amount of guilt I feel because of this is monumental. The logical part of me realizes that I’m in no type of “binding contract” to perform sexual acts for anyone unless I damn well please, but I still feel an insane amount of guilt. Self loathing, low self esteem, and guilt have been my constant negative feelings lately, coupled with stress and loneliness. It’s all too much sometimes.

We also discussed how my mom didn’t (maybe still doesn’t) believe me when I told her and how that makes me feel. I haven’t figured out if this is worse than what actually happened that night. To be told by your mother that “you must be remembering it wrong” or “he would never do something like that”. It’s a horribly invalidating experience and I feel like I can never trust her for anything. I feel so numb right now. I know that talking about it is better than bottling it up, but I don’t like the rawness I’m experiencing. I feel like crawling in bed right now for the rest of the day. I’m supposed to go to my mom’s tonight but I really don’t want to and I cannot think of an excuse to get out of it.

Being open about what happened to me has been a positive as well as a negative experience. I feel more empowered when I share with certain people and yet, I feel trapped at the same time. This is something I purposely pushed down so deep, for years, and completely “forgot” about. Now I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

Bad thoughts

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

I don’t know what to do. The one person I usually go to to talk to about these thoughts and feelings, I can’t! The reason being, the feelings and thoughts revolve around her! My therapist is the cause and center of my current dilemma and I’m at a loss as to what the fuck I’m supposed to do. My family is a dead end, my best friend tries but he just really can’t comprehend the way I need him to, and total strangers on the internet can only do so much. I feel like I’m losing my grip. I’m beginning to dissociate while driving. I’m having frequent crying spells. I’m thinking more and more about self harm. It’s like I’m about to relapse and we still have 7 more months of therapy left.

I’m trying to make myself hate her. I feel like if I can make myself mad at her, then at least it will hurt less than if I feel betrayed and let down by someone I still care for. She told me several times she’d never leave me and she’s doing just that. I thought she’d fight for me. I thought she’d devise a plan with me and we’d be trying our darnedest to fight the system and at least go out kicking and screaming. I feel so defeated. I feel like I just want to disappear.

Tried to resuscitate, didn’t work.

therapy
I’m so confused and hurt and….and…emotional right now. I haven’t felt like this in so long. I’m a walking contradiction and it’s so very uncomfortable. I feel relief and despair at the same time. I feel yearning and yet I know it will never be.

Tomorrow is the big day. I have to be the adult. I have to be the strong one, as usual. Why are the fragile ones always the ones who have to be the strongest? Why are we always the ones who have to come forth and be the bigger person?

Where to from here? I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

Also, can I just say this again, for the millionth time, “I love my therapist”.

Schemas, mine suck.

I found out my top schemas today and they weren’t a surprise in the least bit.

Just in case you were wondering, a schema is defined as the following:

A schema (pl. schemata or schemas), in psychology and cognitive science, describes any of several concepts including:

  • An organized pattern of thought or behavior.
  • A structured cluster of pre-conceived ideas.
  • A mental structure that represents some aspect of the world.
  • A specific knowledge structure or cognitive representation of the self.
  • A mental framework centering on a specific theme, that helps us to organize social information.
  • Structures that organize our knowledge and assumptions about something and are used for interpreting and processing information.

A schema for oneself is called a “self schema”. Schemata for other people are called “person schemata”. Schemata for roles or occupations are called “role schemata”, and schemata for events or situations are called “event schemata” (or scripts).

Schemata influence our attention, as we are more likely to notice things that fit into our schema. If something contradicts our schema, it may be encoded or interpreted as an exception or as unique. Thus, schemata are prone to distortion. They influence what we look for in a situation. They have a tendency to remain unchanged, even in the face of contradictory information. We are inclined to place people who do not fit our schema in a “special” or “different” category, rather than to consider the possibility that our schema may be faulty. As a result of schemata, we might act in such a way that actually causes our expectations to come true.

Okay, so now you know what a schema is. Which schema is affecting me the most? Abandonment, Emotional Deprivation, Pessimism, and Approval Seeking are my main schemas.

Emotional Deprivation
This schema refers to the belief that one’s primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurturance – needs for affection, closeness and love; Empathy – needs to be listened to and understood; Protection – needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don’t adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.

Abandonment/Instability
This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end imminently. As children, these clients may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child’s needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone or unattended to for extended periods.

Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking
This schema refers to the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one’s genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. Clients with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents in their early years.

Negativity/Pessimism
This schema refers to a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. Clients with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how
well things are going for them. Usually these clients had a parent who worried excessively.

Am I surprised by these? No. Do they hurt. Yes, they still hurt. Each of them describes my childhood to a “T”. I wasn’t abused as a child. I wasn’t necessarily neglected, in the traditional sense, but I was in the emotionally damaging sense. Everything that happened to me in my childhood, including my teen years, has made me the hot mess I am today. While I agree that many have been through far worse and have come out just fine; it’s the fact that I am genetically predisposed to be more sensitive that has made my upbringing that more painful for me.

It sucks to know you’re defective and it can be so easily summed up in little paragraphs. While it’s a comfort to see that there is some sort of therapy available to help, I’m very doubtful (pessimism) and concerned. I still need therapy to deal with ongoing issues each week but we have to focus on schema therapy instead.

I feel like a big part of me is being ignored. I feel alone again. These are parts of me that I knew to be, me. I didn’t think they were fixable. I thought I was one big mistake, one big problem. While I am trying to remain hopeful, it’s still a lot to process right now. I have so much going on in my life. I have so much going on in my brain. While I had convinced myself that I was fighting BPD and tried to learn all I could about that, it turns out it’s so much bigger than that. BPD is just a part of a bigger monster. I feel like I’ve been fighting for years now, and I have. For ten years, I’ve been fighting each day to stay alive and it’s draining the little bit of life out of me. I don’t know how much more fight I have left in me.

Goodbye Anne

I only have 20 more sessions with my counselor. I found this out today and I’m feeling pretty sick about it. Apparently, the center where I see her doesn’t allow long term counseling services. To them, 20 is the maximum allowed. I’ve been seeing her for almost a year, so obviously I’ve gone way over.  What sucks most about this is that I feel like I need her even more and now I’m learning I’ll be seeing her less. I was given the option to continue weekly sessions and see her for 5 more months. Or, I can choose bi-weekly session and double that amount of time, which I obviously did.

I went into session today and brought up my fear that she was beginning to get sick of me and was ready to pass me on to someone else. She assured me that this was not true and then dropped this bombshell on me. I can’t help but feel like I’m being abandoned. I have nowhere else to go. I cannot afford to pay more than I do and there are not other options available.

So when I see her for the last time, what will I do? Right now, I’m thinking I’ll flip out. Crying is the least of my worries. I tend to impulsively endanger myself when I am abandoned. I hope between now and then, I’ll have learned some new coping skills to deal, but I am skeptical. I can’t think about it. The more I do, the more I want to crawl into a ball and never leave my bed.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll be on medication and in therapy the rest of my life. It doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is getting close to a therapist and then having to move on to someone else. I don’t want to.